I just want to drink my coffee in the morning without grieving.

I just want to drink my coffee in the morning without grieving. Some “thoughts I had before” would be nice. 

I have faced the realities that this is my normal. My “before” is no more. There is only “from here on out…”

I accept that my now and my next cannot be without my past. And that’s a little reassuring.

Now, every decision decided is because of you, my past. I think of you often. 
More than ever before. 
I laughed today because of something remembered. 
I retold a story because “that just reminded me…”
  
I’m mad though, that I think of you more now. 
I’m sorry though, that we didn’t have more time. 

It’s unfair. It’s strange. 
I see you, hello! 
Every day of my past.

Do you understand the concept of death?
Where are you, hello? 
I’m confused about my present.

I tried to drink my coffee. Then what felt like an earthquake happened and I spilled my boiling hot cup all over my chest and thighs. I’m burned and scarred. 

A 12 year old violently shook the snowglobe of my world. A little bubble of smiles and snowball fights now flipped upside down in a blizzard. 3 casualties.

Is hate one of the stages of grief? 
I guess it can categorize under anger.
Bitter - the taste of too hot, burnt coffee. Maybe it’s the only flavor I taste nowadays? Resentful words blistered my mouth.

I just want to drink my coffee in the morning without grieving.  

Still - drink your coffee.
Remember the memories, instead of the grieving. Today’s actions are in their honor. 
Your purpose is because of the person.  

Death changes you.
You live in a different headspace now. 
Enjoy your coffee in the new world.