Keep Breathing

by Victoria Squirlock

grieving poetry

I wrote a #MondaysAreGoodDays for myself today.
On a piece of paper, I wrote my thoughts. Pages stained with tears. I’ll keep messages locked between the hard covers. I will title this book, “My Struggles.”
This writing was meant just for myself today.
But I decided to share.
Because isn’t life better when we live with deep connections and truth? Rather than living it lonely, my thoughts locked up, no conversation.
I believe in deep connections. So that’s why I share.
Thank you, Monday, for being my day to write. Thank you, Monday for being my day to share. Thank you, for being here.
I put together a few pieces from the past week.
Remember #MondaysAreGoodDays is here to be enjoyed. Relax in your chair a bit more, turn on your concentration switch (it’s fun), and connect with me for about 15 mins.
Happy Monday,
Keep Breathing.

coffee photography

I just want to drink my coffee in the morning without grieving.  

I just want to drink my coffee in the morning without grieving. Some “thoughts I had before” would be nice. 


I have faced the realities that this is my normal. My “before” is no more. There is only “from here on out…”


I accept that my now and my next cannot be without my past. And that’s a little reassuring.


Now, every decision decided is because of you, my past. I think of you often. 
More than ever before. 
I laughed today because of something remembered. 
I retold a story because “that just reminded me…”
  
I’m mad though, that I think of you more now. 
I’m sorry though, that we didn’t have more time. 


It’s unfair. It’s strange. 
I see you, hello! 
Every day of my past.


Do you understand the concept of death?
Where are you, hello? 
I’m confused about my present.


I tried to drink my coffee. Then what felt like an earthquake happened and I spilled my boiling hot cup all over my chest and thighs. I’m burned and scarred. 


A 12 year old violently shook the snowglobe of my world. A little bubble of smiles and snowball fights now flipped upside down in a blizzard. 3 casualties.


Is hate one of the stages of grief? 
I guess it can categorize under anger.
Bitter - the taste of too hot, burnt coffee. Maybe it’s the only flavor I taste nowadays? Resentful words blistered my mouth.


I just want to drink my coffee in the morning without grieving.  

Still - drink your coffee.
Remember the memories, instead of the grieving. Today’s actions are in their honor. 
Your purpose is because of the person.  

Death changes you.
You live in a different headspace now. 
Enjoy your coffee in the new world.

WAYS TO STAY ALIVE:

  1. Keep Breathing

  2. Exercise Daily

  3. Drink Water

  4. Budget Your Money

  5. Make Sacrifices

Silence + Music

When a lot is going on in life, I find true therapy in driving around with no music. Silence.

You know, if you are a veteran #MondaysAreGoodDays reader, that I love music, advocate for music in our daily lives, and also see it as a form of therapy.

But when there’s too much going on, I just need to drive in silence. 

If you have a lot on your mind - get into your car, no music, just drive. 

Let the thoughts flow, think deeply, cry. 

I want you to listen and let the thoughts flow, stay focused on them and question everything. Explore the ideas and the scenarios. 

 

But do not let your anxiety sit in your passenger seat. There is no room for her here. 

The exercise of driving and thinking is important because when you do the opposite: you sit in your room, alone in your four walls and under your roof, there is extra energy and consciousness that will feed into anxiety. 

 

But when you are driving, you will still have to remain in reality and in the present. Making sure you’re abiding by street signs and staying aware of everything around you.

And that is where all that extra energy will go to: keeping you safe, alert and alive. 

 

So now that you can explore your thoughts without going too far into the dark thoughts, you are more likely to come out of this cry with hopefully clarity, but at least some release.

 

Let your thoughts flow as your tires turn.

You might feel like you want to turn on the music once you’re done driving.

MUSIC

Three songs for you today:

 

CRYING + LAUGHING

On the day your brother died, I wanted to talk to you. I was shocked, numb and I didn’t even cry.

So I drove to the cemetery to see you. 

I waited to turn left.

Ahead of me, turning right into the Gates was a hearse

And behind the hearse was a long line of hazard lights. I put the car in park. Silently, I waited. 

I thought, “There are a lot of people affected by this death, a lot of people who loved this person and who now miss you terribly. 

 

It reminded me of your funeral, 

That always makes me cry.

 

We Laughed

Thanksgiving, we’re all around the table.

The conversation segweyed into weed/marijuana from a passionate talk about religion.

Some people in the family opposed to the plant,

but Uncle Rickie turned to me and said, “I mean… I’ve got doobbie for the car ride home.”

My head dropped as I laughed.

I said, “Well… I’ve got a little stash in the garage for when you all go home.”

His eyes smiled.

We both laughed.

 

Thank you for reading today’s Mondays Are Good Days.

Dedicated to:

Peter Squirlock - November 11th, 2019.(Happy Birthday Dad ♥️June 27th 2020.)

Roxie Squirlock - June 25th, 2020.(Love you my little furry monster) 

Rickie Squirlock - Sad that you’re gone :(

 

SHOP MONDAYS ARE GOOD DAYS

And send this to a friend if you enjoyed it or if you think they need something like this today.
SIGN UP FOR MONDAYS ARE GOOD DAYS

 

Leave a comment

Back to Mondays Are Good Days