This #MondaysAreGoodDays focuses on forgiveness in our everyday and in the emotional tragedies we live.

We take a look at three (actually five, including myself and yourself) people and their circumstances. We consider their conflicts and analyze the apologies that may or may not happened. 

1. Rihanna

2. A friend named Dyna

3. John Callahan, a now sober quadriplegic

This missive* is longer than normal. But I encourage you to spend some time with these words. Of course, #Mondays is always meant to be enjoyed and used as a tool to help make us better. So stay awhile... 

*Missive: a long letter

If you find that today’s text is too long, you can scroll to the bottom of this page and listen to (podcast) or watch (video) the reading.

Rihanna

I listened to a new song the other day that had me swaying back and forth while I snapped my fingers. 

I checked to see if the familiar voice singing along with T-pain was who I thought.

Because if it was, I would have to voluntarily go to church for the first time in years and pay for my sin. 

That’s dramatic but after Chris Brown physically abused Rihanna in 2008, I boycotted the man completely. 

I fully canceled him & sometimes judged people (and myself) if they were found snapping a finger to the music from a man who famously beat a woman. The same thing goes for R. Kelly but we won’t get into THAT right now.

How are you consciously going to listen to the music of a monster?

I’m not sure if my own single decision to boycott him made any difference to his riches, but I felt it was important to punish him, I would not grant him any forgiveness for what he did. He will PAY in the life of Victoria, whatever that’s worth. 

My decision to eliminate him was easy, despite all the saved songs in my library. I’m a little sensitive to the situation because I did have a past relationship that left me in bruises a few times…

It’s present-day and I read his name as one of the collaborating artists on the track. 

Freeze frame to me having a paralyzing moment of internal conflict. 

Should I turn off the song? I want to add it to my library, but no! You do not support him. But... Is it really that deep? Especially after all this time? Did Chris Brown ever publicly apologize for what happened? Is he a serial woman abuser? Is he a changed man now? Does anyone ever really change? 

Let’s see if he paid for his own sins. I googled “Did Chris Brown ever apologize for hitting Rihanna?”

No titles or headlines included the word “apology” or “sorry” and actually, Google notified me that the word “apologize” was actually missing from every single article. 

Not looking so good here, Chris. 

Ok, no public apologies just a lot of “I felt like a monster. I didn’t know who I was.” and no other reports of Brown abusing women. 

Rihanna and Chris Brown dated back in 2008 so we count 1..2..3..4..12 years since the beating. I considered the longevity of time passed since their relationship to convince me that it is okay to save the song.

I hope, since that time, this man* has grown and is in a better place. We never want those mentally weak, emotionally violent people to be the way they are. We hope they have paid for their actions, felt the consequences and are actively trying to be better. We can hope… 

*This man: anyone in your life that has fucked up and made you question “Does this person have ANY emotional intelligence whatsoever? Idiot!” (You’re mad, you can be vulgar)

The quote “people never change” is wrong. If I didn’t think we could change, why IN THE WORLD would I write to you every Monday encouraging you to work on yourself? I believe we grow, we age, we learn; it is literally the only direction we move in: forward. Every day we push past our demons and learn from yesterday’s mistakes. 

I do believe people can be evil in their bones and they can be untrustworthy, but that’s a different objective than what I’m talking about. I have faith that with some mindfulness and deep introspection, people change for the better.

I don’t know much more about Chris Brown because frankly, I don’t care, so I’m not sure what his level of maturity is now but I do know he’s making new music with T-pain. I also don’t care too much about my own Chris Brown, but I dated that guy for 3 years so there’s always a little love there. Like Rihanna said in her interview, “We’re not friends, but we’re not enemies. We don’t have much of a relationship now.” 

Seems like both Rihanna and I never got an apology, but we have forgiven what has happened to us. 

• This is a bit of an off step in the topic: but, I want to acknowledge that my own relationship I keep mentioning was back in 2017. My first relationship and much less mature, I know there were times when I, myself, provoked conflict. Meaning, and without giving a pass to the boys who leave bruises and have mentally abusive brains, I also needed to mature, grow up and learn about actually being in a relationship. I don’t want to play an innocent heavenly angel in the situation. But also, just never put your hands on ANYONE you’re in a relationship with, boy or girl. 

• I was fully dependent on another person’s every action, thought and mood - I needed to learn a hard lesson on how to not love yourself through someone else’s eyes. After we broke up, I was forced to be strong. I learned how to forgive what had happened and use it as a way to grow. You would not recognize me then- completely opposite from the self-sufficient person I am today. 

• The first two years of my relationship were happy and transformative, full of laughter and encouraging each other to be their own best, while we simply lived each day against one another’s shoulder, and enjoying every moment of it. Love is a beautiful thing and I am excited for when the next special person comes into my life.

Rihanna and I, among many other women and men (let’s not assume men are always the violent and abusive ones), had to heal from some traumatic experiences. But in other sorry situations, it’s not as deep. 

For example, when someone cuts you off on the highway or hits hard into your shoulder on the commute are two examples.  A nasty woman on the grocery line or your boss that’s having a bad day...

You can choose to forgive, just readjust your backpack, slam harder on the break pad, or take a deep breath.

Or you get angry. Curse loud, honk your horn, throw up a middle finger. Retaliate with fire in your lunges and maybe lose your job because you can’t control yourself. You can’t forgive. Inconsiderate words slice your wrists open and unbelievable actions crack your chest.  

You harbor that evil energy inside and let it infiltrate your visceral. Your blood turns to black.

Or just forgive. If you simply choose to live in a mindset where the inconveniences of anothers’ inconsiderateness rolls off your back, you will live a much happier life.

Life is much easier when you let drama deflate out of your airhead. You do not attract conflict or drama, you are a person that manifests healthy relationships and you have an open-minded, understanding & patient attitude. 

You are a highly intelligent individual, which is why you listen to #MondaysAreGoodDays, and this means that you possess the power to forgive.

There will be situations where you are just going to have to be the bigger person and accept that, for example, someone who is 35 acts like a 15 year old. 

Listen, everyone has their flaws. You have them too. I have them. 

We all like to think that we are the most logical, unbiased and open ear-ed person in the conversation, but oftentimes we’re not. And we KNOW others fail to embody these qualities - i mean, that’s why you’re so mad and unwilling to forgive.

But accepting that you can be a little less than perfect, and therefore so is everyone else, you will feel much lighter. 

Nothing heavy weighs you down. Not the stupid remark, not the little bit of attitude. You keep a smile on your face and be the bigger person. 

We’re talking about the less-than traumatic now, and I encourage you to be mindful of your anger in these situations because when life does shake you up with some real, emotional trauma, you will have to lean on your mental strength, which you do have, to pull you through. Maybe you need a little bit of guidance or encouragement, that’s no problem. That’s why #MondaysAreGoodDays is here. And that’s why there are a million self-help books, blogs, podcasts, and videos out there.

Dyna

I have a friend that dealt with an emotionally traumatic situation with her ex-boyfriend. And I bring up her situation for two reasons: 

1. I am pissed about how the media talked about her story

2. She will never get an apology from this trash bag, but she must still forgive. 

(Victoria, name-calling is a sign of immaturity. Blah blah. No, he’s a trash bag.)

This letter is already a long one, so I won’t go into Dyna’s full story, you can read it here. 

But what happened was a man that looked her in the eye and whispered: “I love you” was traveling for work on many occasions and then sleeping with prostitutes. He mentally abused her with his gas-lighting* and no longer acted as a supportive partner in the relationship - leaving Dyna feeling abandoned but also making her think that she was the problem (manipulative these people are…) Lastly, Dyna had to deal with finding out that this ex-boyfriend was taking photos of her while she was in the shower and was sending it to other women. For those who do not know, that is WRONG and ILLEGAL. And a huge exploitation of someone’s privacy. It’s ironically unforgivable. A relationship that once talked about marriage was now in an early divorce, and THEN after they broke up, this man entered a new relationship shortly after and he got her pregnant.  

I don’t know if the situation could get any worse. Except it does. 

If one of your hobbies includes collecting or being obsessed with sneakers, you know this man's name, Ray Polanco. Ray made the situation worse by ordering Dyna a cease and decease form and threatening her on multiple occasions if she didn’t take down her statement about him.

So why am I telling you all about Dyna’s relationship? 

Because my heart aches for all the forgiving she will have to do, and it will be a long journey, but this beautiful girl is resilient. As is anyone who goes through something as traumatic as this. 

I’m telling you - cry as much as you need. Feel frustrated and confused. But don’t ever think that you will not come out of this stronger. 

She will never get closure from him, or any kind of “I was wrong. I’m sorry I hurt you.” And it’s very sad to think there are people out there who lack any kind of emotional intelligence or feel guilt for their actions.

But she will have to forgive him and forgive what happened to her, if she wants to move forward. -- Victoria what are you saying? Forgive a sexual predator, a liar, a homewrecker? 

We have to. 

Let me tell you that the ex-boyfriend who bruised me and at the end mentally abused me, went right into another relationship after we were together for 3 years. Again, I’m MINDBLOWN by the lack of maturity and unwillingness to just be ON YOUR OWN and work on yourself. No, instead you gotta go off and find someone else to make you happy because you can’t do it yourself? 

When I talk about it, the situation still annoys me, but I’ve forgiven him and I’ve forgiven what happened because if I didn’t, I would be a pessimist, man-hating witch. I would be ugly, rotting from the inside out. And I never would have grown into who I am today. 

I also tell Dyna’s story because it is a huge contrast to the person who cut you off on your commute or your sibling saying something stupid. When something minuscule happens, I recommend to just forgive and move on. Save that energy for when you really need it.

I haven’t forgotten about reason #1 for why I wanted to bring up this story, but it’s a bit off-topic, so I’m going to save it for the very end. 

There’s one more person I want to use as an example of forgiveness. 

 

John Callahan

In the movie, Don’t Worry, He Won’t Get Far on Foot, Joaquin Phoenix plays John Callahan, a recovering alcoholic going through the steps of AA. This is a true story. 

Callahan was a slacker, a drinker, and almost died in a drunk driving accident when his, also drunk, buddy fell asleep at the wheel. John woke up in the hospital to discover he was now a quadriplegic, completely paralyzed from the neck down, and his friend walked home unscathed.

John is resilient though after he decides not to be an alcoholic quadriplegic anymore (it's true, he continued to drink after the car accident) and enrolls in AA.  He reaches the step where he must apologize to those who have been hurt by his alcoholism. 

He goes through his parents, friends, colleagues, and then he apologies to the man that drove his car into a pole, leaving him like this. 

What’s important about the apology is that when John tells his drunk driving friend that he is “actually doing really good these days,” the friend replies “Man. I am really struggling. I’m always struggling” 

How is a man who cannot walk, give himself a bath or cut his own steak be happier than the man with two working legs? 

Because he’s forgiven.

He forgave his drunk driving friend. Forgave all the underlying demons that made him an alcoholic in the first place. He forgave himself for the past life he lived. 

John’s heart was no longer filled with vodka. The fluid that now made up his anatomy included hydrogen, oxygen, carbon, forgiveness, and acceptance. 

John continued on to be an extremely successful cartoonist and he lived a happy life with a woman who loved him. 

Today, I encourage you to be more forgiving and patient. With yourself and with others. 

Personally, I hate conflict and bad tension, so, not always, but most of the time I will be the one to apologize first. 

I get this from my parents. They taught me and my brother to BE the bigger person. Think about it: how would you rather be portrayed? As the person who crosses their arms and pouts their lips in the corner, or the person that looks you in the eye and says “we had a miscommunication. I’m sorry, let’s talk about.” A couple hours later, you’re off to lunch together and you now have a better understanding of that person and the situation.

I do not like to let others have control over my emotions and my mental state, and this is why I forgive. I do not want anger inside of me. I don’t like to get mad and I think it is an ugly trait to have. I try to be as peaceful as possible. 

Today, Rihanna is at peace. She is a strong, resilient, RICH woman who probably says, “Chris Brown who?” and she definitely has forgiven what happened to her.

Today, Dyna is achieving peace. She is working on herself, understanding the process, and surrounding herself with supportive people. 

After she went public with what happened to her, Apple, who just signed Ray to do a big project, ripped up their contract. Claps to Apple for not turning a blind eye to something like this, because they easily could have. 

Let’s go back to the second thing that I wanted to talk about regarding Dyna’s story. 

The media has picked up her story and is spreading the word on this sexual predator, which is great. But I have a huge issue with this youtube video. The YouTuber, who gets over 100,000 views on his videos, introduced the story by allowing those who might not “be comfortable” with talking about sexual assault to SKIP TO THE END. 

Um?  You are about to talk about a BIG problem that everyone should hear, yet you are going to give someone who might not want to hear it an option to pass? No. That’s not right  

What should have been said is, “This is a real problem. Everyone needs to know about this, and everyone needs to know that this is NOT okay behavior. Listen up!” This youtuber knows he has the ears of hundreds of thousands of people, he should make them listen. He is about to talk about a hard subject, I agree it can make people uncomfortable, but you cannot give them the option to not listen.

Do you agree? Truthfully, this introduction to Dyna’s story made me upset.

Lastly, today, John Callahan is at peace in another dimension... maybe - I have no idea what happens to us when we die. But after he forgave himself and his circumstances, he lived a good life with a large following for his cartoons.

If you are at the end here, I really appreciate you staying this long and reading today's #MondaysAreGoodDays in its entirety. Forgiveness is a broad topic and I tried my best to be as concise and deliberate with my words and the people I chose to talk about. 

I simply want you to know two things:

1. Life is brighter when you do not hold anger inside of you.

2. You have the mental strength to move forward and forgive. You are strong enough to battle passed enemies who have hurt you and who should apologize, but won't.

I hope after reading my writing, you are more at peace.